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Words and music copyright ©2000 by Blake Hodgetts
(People have commented that this song seems a little xenophobic. I prefer to think of it as just good advice from one who's had some unfortunate experiences.)
Don't fall in love with a mermaid
That's a match destined for doom
The brine will destroy your complexion
And the bedchamber plunge you in gloom
If she shows an interest in mating
Take this as your signal to bail
She expects you to seed her eggs after they're laid,
and you'll never get tail from her tail.
Don't fall in love with a centaur
You'll stray too far from the course
Remember your amorous moments
Will involve the rear end of a horse
Though you might think riding bareback
would give you a heck of a thrill
Don't think she won't throw you for some Palomino
Because I've been there, and she will.
Don't fall in love with a fairy
You'll be her pick-of-the-week
Fairies have no staying power
They only live for mystique
I must admit that I marvelled
As she spread those miraculous wings
But I was deflated when she yawned and stated
That all guys had "one of those things".
Don't fall in love with a naiad
There's a prescription for woe
It won't get through her cerebrum
That you can't live down below
She makes it look so darned easy
Breathing the water like air
But never go down, or I promise youíll drown,
and she isn't likely to care.
Don't fall in love with a siren
You'll soon grow bored with her song
Once she has snared you she'll keep you,
singing to string you along
Thereís one way Iíve found to escape her
So if you are ready to drop
Just say her high C seems a little off-key,
and in mortification she'll stop.
Don't fall in love with a succubus
It may be tough to avoid
She has you at this disadvantage:
Asleep, you're not eas'ly annoyed
But the daily division of housework
Will prove that you're under duress:
When it gets light and you've partied all night,
Look who gets stuck with the mess.
Don't fall in love with an amazon
It's not a safe thing to do
She'll go off fighting in battles,
She'll expect you to come too.
You won't want her feeling lonely,
Especially when she's in bed,
But she is a warrior and you are just you
So she'll survive and you'll be dead.
Don't fall in love with a harpy
Winsome though she, um, might be
Creatures with avian bodies
Don't match the human ésprit
She'll favor acts aerobatic
If you are proposing to ball
And when there's a pause she will clutch with her claws,
but if you are lucky you'll fall.
Don't fall in love with a gorgon
It might seem unlikely to you
But many a man's lost his marbles
And done things that I wouldn't do
I'd rather not go into details
And trust me, you don't want to know
But if you have dread of those snakes on her head
You'd better not look down below
Don't fall in love with a goddess
She'll never approve of your hair
And sometimes when you're in communion
She'll act as if you aren't there
Her job as a deity's stressful
She won't have attention for you
And if your best stuff is just not good enough
She'll dump you and make someone new.
Now if you'd be smitten by Eros
And Venus and Agapé too
If you want a gentle companion
A woman who's worthy to woo
If you want a match that's successful
And likely to stay on the track
I'd like to suggest that the kind that works best
Is a human who fancies you back.
Yes, you cannot go wrong with advice from this song
And a human who fancies you back.