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Slorg's Intergalactic Stockpage

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Slorg's Dictionary of Rentier Jargon Slorg's Company Report Guide Slorg's Guide to Speculation

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16.07.99 Slorg's Guide to the AmeriBubble Bust

You heard it first: the summer of 1999 is the market's top. It's not that we're gloomy, it's just that we're near the end of the business cycle, and every mania has to come to an end (a bad one, usually). Microsoft's market cap recently passed the $500 billion mark, more than 25 times its total revenues. But as the Internet speculation goes to show, who needs revenues, anyway? It's the triumph of AmeriBubble socialism: first the abolition of revenue, then the abolition of money altogether! What clinches it is the fact that absolutely noone expects the Bubble to burst right now. Except Alan Greenspan, who raised interest rates a quarter point. The austerity hounds were baying for more, but the Fedmeister obviously knows something the lumpenrentiers don't: namely, how deep in hock to the new metropoles that mighty US economy really is. Globally speaking, the US is soaking up $300 billion a year from overseas and plowing most of it into its stock market, the closest thing to a global Ponzi scheme the world has ever seen.

21.02.99 Slorg's Guide to Double-Bubbles

In response to the smooth emergence of the euro, Wall Street is creating its own currency, the Transaction-Unlimited Leveraged Information Pool (a.k.a. the virtual T.U.L.I.P. or VirTu, pronounced "ver-choo"). The VirTu has two significant advantages over the euro: first, because it's simply an electronic promise to repay, you save on printing costs. Second, because one Amerirentier's VirTu is as good as any other, there's no need to worry about counterfeiters, because each promise can provide collateral for other promises. In a mere two months, furious issuance of the VirTu has resulted in the creation of $3 trillion of theoretical liquidity, with more to come. Russia may be bankrupt, Brazil in the tank, the Russell 2000 down 7% since February of '97, the PE ratios of the Dow stocks are at 23.8 and those of the S&P 500 at a Japanese-Bubble-style 32.54 (which means S & P market-to-book has now reached an unfathomable 658.87%, and no, that's not a typo, we're talking a market cap six times book), our manufacturing sector going to hell, corporate profits punk, one-third of the world in recession, the US economy piling up its most monstrous trade deficits since 1987, and Europe slowing sharply, but fear not -- our intrepid analysts expect the Dow to breeze past 10,000 in no time; in fact, at current rates of increase, the Dow will hit 15,000 by August, 20,000 by December, 30,000 by 2000 and close to 145,000 by the year 2010. Of course, the dollar's depreciation against the euro and yen will wipe out 89% of that increase, but who are we to spoil a party!

19.12.98 Slorg's Guide to Bubble Bailouts

What comes after the era of the Wall Street Bubble? Why, the era of Big Government bailouts for punters, plungers and speculators of all kinds. Wall Street's profit margins are simply too valuable to be left to the vagaries of those fickle market forces, don't you agree? Still, if even the neoliberals are clamoring for Government intervention to save the markets from themselves, can global Keynesianism be far behind? Welcome to the wide, wide, world of multinational bailout Keynesianism!

25.07.98 Slorg's Shuttle to Ursa Major

That's right, after the wild unbelievable success of Slorg's IPO and the sale of the entire tranche to pretty much every single large mutual fund you can name, the quantum critter is currently seated on the next shuttle to the Ursa Major constellation and is enjoying a delectable, foaming planth of C-N3-dextrose-polycarb (a.k.a. interstellar cappucino) whilst a planetary-size chunk of iridium impacts those towering Wall Street valuations at roughly 49,273 Earth-kilometers a second. All aboard for the Bubble Bust of the Century!

22.08.97 Slorg's IPO

Your ticket to stock Nirvana! Slorg has decided, in lieu of ongoing capitalization costs, to issue valuable and expensive SlorgStock, a bargain at a mere 268,927,936.9377 Galactic Credit-units apiece. The money will be invested in a hot biotech startup called Simulated Life Organism Research General, Ltd. (or S.L.O.R.G.-Inc.), which will consist of Slorg's biochemical imprint, assorted ideaware and an untraceable Swiss bank account. No-risk guarantee: in case of share price turbulence, Slorg will drive a 140-parsec/hour Centauri warp-shuttle through the nearest black hole, and emerge from a time-space bubble to buy back selected shares from our subatomic fund before aforesaid turbulence ever happened. You can't go wrong, and our price-to-earnings ratios, despite quasar-sized cash burn and no assets, are still better than most of the S&P 500!

14.07.97 Operation S.C.A.M.

All the latest on how to befuddle, bribe, avoid or generally appease Galactipol's multifarious Securities, Commodities, and Assets Managers. Special topics: planet-hopping; interstellar legal tricks; time-and-space-bubbling; reports from the field on the Stephen J. Hawking/Bill Burroughs Subquantum Investment Fund and much, much more (page scrambled to avoid SCAM-Slamhounds -- use mouse 'n click to highlight text).